Blended Family in Maplewood

When I first read the New York Times article last fall about a so-called blended family occupying two separate but connected units in a lovely Brooklyn town house, with two kitchens and separate bedrooms for even the grown-ups, I was immediately envious. As a single mother of two, with a recently moved-in boyfriend who has three kids of his own, it sounded very appealing to have more space in which to make the transition from a three to seven-person household. Not to mention the exotic New York locale, a place bursting with excitement, where kids learn to ride the subway as pre-teens and are certainly too engaged in the many cultural activities at their disposal to have any issues with their parents, or really any problems at all.

In reality, I own a two-story wood frame home in Maplewood, with four bedrooms—two of them tiny—, one kitchen, and one-and-half baths. The attic and basement are not finished, and the garage is leaky. Despite these challenges, Stephen and I decided to co-mingle our households after one year of dating. It was a practical decision—we’d both been laid off that year, and it seemed silly to struggle so hard to make double monthly payments for housing and utilities, even as we were struggling to keep up with all the other bills due to reduced income. In addition, our five kids, who now range in age from 7 to 12, were used to spending weekends together, spending the nights at one or the other of our places at a kind of progressive sleepover party.

To give everyone a place to sleep at my house (now Stephen's house, too), we turned one of the tiny bedrooms into a room for Stephen’s girls and the other into a room my son would now share with Stephen’s son through the magic of bunk beds. Since Stephen’s kids are with us only every other weekend, my son doesn’t much mind sharing his room, and in fact counts the days until his “bonus” brother will return. Stephen’s girls share a room at their mom’s house, so they are relatively content to do so at their dad’s as well. And my daughter, the oldest, got to keep her palatial (in comparison) single bedroom, so she can’t complain (at least about that) either.  

Perhaps more significant than making adjustments to accommodate everyone physically, have been the adjustments to the definition of what this family is. So far, both sets of kids look forward to their weekends together, despite the fact that at the end of each weekend visit tensions are high and everyone is sick of each other. We go on family trips together, and no outing with my kids is planned without them raising the issue of when it could be planned to include the other kids. But unlike the traditional family, there are complexities that make it impossible, and as noted in the New York Times article, not advisable, to try to fit this family into a traditional mold. All of these kids have allegiances elsewhere, different rules to follow in other places, and the knowledge that they have two rooms to sleep in, whether they like it or not.

I still fantasize about having more room, and there are multiple expansion projects in the works—the attic is under construction to be turned into a family room, and a kitchen renovation would certainly make it easier for Stephen and me to cook for everyone. We are constantly re-thinking how we use the storage space in the basement and the garage so we can more easily accommodate all the stuff belonging to seven individuals. But despite the lure of a Brooklyn townhouse, this is where we live, and while we’re making the best of it, we’re learning how to be a family.